Our Trip Downtown

June 26th was my last entry. It's weird that I'm back so soon considering I was gone for months prior to June 26th. I've had plenty going on in the last few weeks. I know, I know,,,, I always have crap going on. So, let's see... There were a few birthdays; my Carolyn who turned 27 again and MY AUSTIN JAMES, who turned 13! I know, it's hard to believe I have a 13 year old! I have no wrinkles, no fat, no gray, no bladder problems, no nothing! (Um hmmm...) anyway...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ALL WHO GOT ANOTHER YEAR UNDER THEIR BELTS! And to my precious gift, Austin, I love you more than life itself! You are my everything! *tear *sniffle *snot wipe *smile

Now for other stuff.  As some of you know, my awesome brother has decided to do undercover work in jail and must reside there for a while. When I say 'undercover' I really mean 'time'. Yes, He screwed up, but God is bigger than any mistake!

So, here's the story. My sister calls me Saturday night and asks me if I'm still planning on going with her to the jail. My quick response was, "Of course!" I figured I'd head to church at 11 am, have lunch, and we'd go to visit him. Wrong. She says to me, "we need to be there by 7".  I'm thinking GREAT! I'll have time to do other stuff in between...wrong again. She meant 7am. I'm not even in my first dream at 7am! Even during the work week I'm a zombie until noon-ish. I was like, "damn, really? wth? why? Do they all wake up that early? Because if so, that sucks." I'm pretty sure it's no walk in the park where he is, however, what else is there to do besides sleep and think of ways to escape? Just saying...
Krista then tells me to pick her up by 630...AM. And that I should dress 'uncute'. Whatever that means. After she repeated that phrase a few times I finally understood she meant dress like a homeless bridge rat. No problem. I'll just go in with no makeup, a ball cap, t-shirt (preferably an old, ratty one) and jeans. Sounds like I'll be looking like my sister after all!!! JUST KIDDING KRISTA! Don't shoot me!

Sunday's alarm was set for 5am. Why? I guess I thought I needed an hour and a half to look dirty. I end up crawling back into bed at 6. My phone rings at 6:20. It's the dreaded sister call. "Pick me up by 7:30".  I KNEW IT! She went out the night before and was hung over! Awesome! That meant I got another few minutes of shut eye!! yay! I woke up at 7, threw my hair up in a stupid, messed up pony tail, threw on some jeans, flip flops and the first top I grabbed out of my closet and threw it on as I scrambled down the stairs. Yes, I was able to spit shower and brush my fangs for those of you who were wondering. I wore my best deodorant and a touch of coconut body lotion as well.

I head over to pick her up with only my phone, DL and debit card. The phone was for an emergency. I knew where we were going and I wasn't about to take any chances! For those of you who know me, you know I'm the biggest chicken shit of all time! Not lying. The DL was for obvious reasons... identification. The debit card was for parking and apparently for my sister's breakfast. I saw that coming.  I get to my sister's house and she comes out wearing a cute outfit, hair all done and made up! "What???" I was like, "YOU SAID TO LOOK GROSS!  I'M STILL WEARING LAST NIGHT'S MAKEUP!!!" She grinned and said, "Me too, mine just stayed on way better". hmmmm.... I was about to kick her ass when my favorite song came on the radio and I was distracted... sorta like Dori from Nemo. Nothing I could do now about my outfit or makeup. I had no purse which means no makeup, no lips, no nothing! I couldn't help but ask why she decided to look way better than me... her answer was simple; "what if I find my soul mate?" Confused I responded with, "you mean 'inmate'???" I wasn't sure I needed to know more, but she proceeded to clarify her statement...
"I mean a cop, or an attorney or prison guard". Prison guard??? Really?? She should've stopped at 'attorney'. lol But that's my sista... She's just thinking ahead on how to clear future tickets she may obtain... smart, I must say.

We get to the bottom of the pit (downtown), lock all doors and play the part. I sank in the driver's seat with one hand on the steering wheel, turned up the bass and gave dirty killer looks at anyone who looked my way. I think the country music and my pony tail killed the look early on. It didn't work.  I now relied on my sister for protection. She's got tats so she fits in nicely. The one I had 'stamped' on the night before sorta washed off during my 'spit shower' that morning. Anyway, me, my hot pink toe nail polish and sister headed in. The lady standing at the conveyor belt looked at my sister and let her through. She looked at me and looked again and once more... I'm sure she noticed the confused look I was now giving her. I mean, did she need me to turn around, check me out??? Why was she looking at me that way? She finally says to me, "you'll need to button up your shirt. I don't know if they will let you in with it being 'scoop neck'." I said, "I'm sorry, what? What do you mean? I dressed like crap for this occasion! Is this frumpy outfit not good enough?" My sister yanks me over towards her and yanks off the elastic band from my pony tail and drapes my Amish looking locks over my shoulders!The only part of 'me' that was left was my pretty pink toe nail polish. Everything else from that point up was eww.

We make it pass the 'check point' and up the dirty, gross, sticky elevator. Germs everywhere! I didn't even have my hand sanitizer. I was going nuts. I made my sister push all the buttons, open all doors and hold me. lol It's a pretty gross place, I must say. As we're sitting there, waiting for our turn to see our brother this woman comes in and sits riiiiggghht next to me. She's wearing pretty much the same thing I'm wearing, only I KNOW she didn't bathe or brush her teeth. Definitely no deodorant or lotion.  She had no eyebrows except for the two she painted on. And those were lopsided. She had her gel-dried, crunchy looking hair up in some sort of jacked up bun. Her toes looked so gross. Had she walked barefoot in the street before putting on what was left of the foam chanclas? The crust was disgusting.  The polish definitely needed touching up.  She basically looked like she could kick my ass if I looked at her even through the side of my eye. So I didn't. I looked straight and didn't even move when she spoke to one of her thirty kids. Her breath was rancid and extremely foul. I was dry heaving the whole time, but still didn't move because I was afraid to lose my life right there in the filthy lobby.

It was time to go in and see our brother. He looked ok, considering the circumstances. I let my sister talk first, ONLY because I was afraid of what I might pick up off that germy phone that everyone uses. :/  It came my time to talk and as much as I wanted to talk to my brother all I could think about were the germs. The people to my right were obviously not happy campers. Every other word was a curse word, which was more than I wanted to hear.  Who then walks in and situates to the left of us???? None other than the woman from the lobby! Great. I've got germs on the phone, a sailor to my right and the aroma of ass and armpit flowing over from the cubicle on the left.

The stories my brother has are that out of a movie. Playing the 'part' is a big part of survival. He says he has guys who come up to him all the time asking if he's Mexican. I can totally understand their confusion. My brother is like 6-2, green eyes and white. Most Mexicans, including some in my own family (lol) are short, dark and own brown eyes. Not Joe. He's a little different. I'm sure he towers over most inmates which is a huge benefit.  Joe speaks more Spanish than I do.  Surprising, I know. I don't think he'll be messed with...or at least I pray he won't. "I love  you, Joe!!"

Krista and I held it all together until our time was cut off. 20 minutes of pure joy turned into sorrow. We walked out, looked at each other and didn't say a word. Again, I made her push the buttons on the elevator and open all doors that led anywhere. Krista's only words to me in the elevator were, "I gotta pee". Awesome. The building itself was disgusting, I couldn't even begin to imagine the lovely bathrooms.

I was right. Not even Krista made it past the door. The stench was unbearable. It definitely was no paradise in there...  No joke. Needless to say, she didn't pee and we were out of there!

That place is like no place I've ever been before. My experience was both happy and scary. I'll know next time what to expect.... and I'll try my hardest to smuggle in a few Clorox wipes.

Until next time,
~Joe's 'uncute' sister