Sunday, October 23, 2011

Thou shall not steal and thou shall not throw up in my car!

Saturday started out great and ended, well, a little off track thanks to no control 'cho'!  Short for chola.  For those of you who don't know what a 'chola' is let me break it down for you; sharpie eyebrows, outlined lips, socks and chanclas (Spanish for sandals), eyeliner 'wings' and the worst 'Snookie' looking hairdo ever!  That was my sister Saturday night!  'nuff said!  Sick! (I guess I should let readers know that she dressed up for a Halloween party and that is NOT her everyday look despite the fact she found everything she needed for that look in her closet!)  I, on the other hand, was the eccentric, but coordinating, madame Gypsy!  Before I go on, and I'm not sure why I should even add this, but I am; I thought long and hard about my costume and what I should wear, how it should look, how could I really make this costume 'my own'.  I went to second hand stores, undecided, and followed up with this one consignment store that had old looking wedding dresses hanging in the window. I thought, "Perfecto!"  I hit the jackpot!  So I park my 'bu', get out, and take it all in!  Ahhhh.... consignment!  I'm sure to find the perfect outfit here.  I walk in and the lady says to me, "can I help you find something?"  I could've at this point said, "where can I find what you're wearing?" but I thought that might be too mean being I had never met this lady before in my life.  She probably wouldn't know I was only joking.  So, instead I said, "yes, I'm looking for a gypsy outfit for a Halloween party tomorrow night (this was Friday- I hate to confuse some of my readers- Krista!).  Apparently, I had come to the right place.  Broom skirts, ugly Christmas sweaters, plaid pants, and jackets with shoulder pads filled the store!  Now I know how I can win an ugly Christmas sweater party, I know where I can get my 70's look, if needed for another party, or fast forward into the 80's with shoulder padded jackets!  Muy bueno.  So, I find a couple skirts that I think will work and now I'm looking for coordinating peasant tops and jewelry.  The lady says to me that a gypsy look is eccentric.  Whatever the hell that means!  My OCD tells me I should, at the very least match, and not look like a hobo for Saturday night.  I buy the skirts and will decide which one works when I get home. I will return which ever one doesn't work the next day.  Ok, so now I have part of my costume.  I will put this together later.  For now, back to Saturday's lunch with Krista.  It's like 4:00pm and I have eaten nothing but a biscuit Austin made for breakfast.  One.  One biscuit!  "Thank you Austin, great job.  But ya shoulda made more!"  lol  It's 4pm and I'm feeling like a little, starving Ethiopian.  Meanwhile, my body looks like I've been eating whole horses and stashing them in my ass for years and Large Marge (my stomach) is pissed off at me!  I hunt my sister down, via text, phone call, smoke signals, etc.  She finally shows up!  Ugh!  "Let's go! Large Marge is throwing sharp jabs at me and I have a feeling she'll be intervening before the party tonight." (in which she did! Biatch!)  So, I decided to show K.R. a lovely time at Bush's chicken!  First of all, the name Bush sounds terrible and why would I want to eat a chicken's bush, I mean, eat at Bush's chicken?  Well, because it's greasy and good!  Duh!  We order, sit at our table and talk about nothing!  We just laugh.  Our food comes out and I totally act like a fatty and fill my plate.  I mean, I may not get a chance to eat later at the party because I'm more than sure people will want to ask me about my lovely second hand costume.  I'll be so busy discussing my outfit, there won't be time to eat! As I'm feeding the hole in my face I see this little salt shaker with a label that reads 'Serendipity seasoned salt'.  Hmmm... I wonder what this is all about.  My sister is now the pro of Bush's chicken and says, "it's seasoning salt".  I asked, "Oh, so you've been to Bush's before, huh?" Here I was trying to show her a lovely outing, somewhere new and she spoils it!  Booooo.  As we're finalizing our meal of chicken strips, crinkle (and Serendipity seasoned) fries, gravy, roll and drink we begin to load up our leftovers for the boys.  (Oh, stop!  They didn't want to come with us and they requested leftovers!!!)  Do you honestly think I would eat such a wonderful meal and not bring some wonderness of Bush's to my boys?  Anyway, I'm playing around and pretending to scoot the seasoning salt over so my sister could 'accidentally' put it in the leftover bag.  We joke, and laugh and talk about how our great grandma used to swipe the salt shakers, pepper shakers, sugar, forks, knives, plates, cooking pans, paper cups, straws, frozen foods from the back every time she went out to eat.  I always wondered why we had an overload of stuff at home and never did without!  lol  I come from a long line of thieves!  haha just kidding.  So, we get into my car, buckle up (I obey the law), and my sister (who doesn't always obey the law) puts this on my lap:
Holy crap!  WTH????  "Krista, what are you doing????"  I'm totally freaking out at this point, my blood pressure has risen, eyes popped out of my head, and all I can think about is how I hope my cell mate is gentle with me!  Krista is cool, calm and collective....she says, "don't worry, it's just salt and it wasn't even off of our table." I'm thinking, when the hell did this theif of the night find the time to swipe it from another table?  How did I not see this??  Where was I?  OMG!  We weren't even dressed for the party and the 'chola' in my sister was already starting to show.  Geez, I'm speechless and scared.  As I'm driving, I'm thinking to myself, my luck we get pulled over and the cop says, "whatcha got there? Serendipity salt? Do you know the fine and prison time for having Serendipity salt in your vehicle???"  Great!  That's all I would need.  Prison time because of stolen Serendipity salt!  Seems a little overboard, but that would totally be my luck.  Then I'd probably get thrown in with a six foot Helga with really large hands!  "Oh sweet Jesus, forgive my sister for what she has done and don't mind her laughing.  She's just a really happy girl.  You should know, you made her!" 

Here comes the good part.  We get back to my place, safe and sound, and begin to get ready for this costume party.  Can someone please tell me why I wasted so much time looking for my entire outfit at a consignment store when I was able to put my whole outfit together (minus the broom skirt) from my own closet!?!  I had the shirt, the scarves, the sandals, the makeup, and all the jewelry!  What's even worse (lmao) is that my sister wasn't going to dress up but I convinced her to dress as a 'chola'. She had everything except the shirt and bandana which she got from her dad's closet!  baaahahaha!  That was scary all on it's own!  We get dressed finally and head out.  This is us:

I don't know what was funnier; the fact that my entire costume came out of my closet (except the skirt) or that my sister's entire costume came out of her wardrobe! 

Now the party is done with, at least for me it is, and I'm ready to get home and take off these ridiculous eyelashes and scarves, mole, and the thirty pairs of earrings hanging from my poor ears!  So, Krista and I are driving along, I'm singing, she's in the passenger seat allowing the seatbelt to hold her up.  Her eyes are closed and she looks a wierd shade of green.  I keep driving.  I figure she had a little much to drink, she'll be ok once we get home.  Halfway. Home. We. Now. Have. To. Pull. Over. A little side note for you readers: My window and door lock do not work on the passenger side!  Know where I'm going with this???  Oh ya.... here it goes! I'm driving along singing to George Strait, hell with the redwine pour me some moonshine.... Krista is reaching for the door and telling me to pull over.  I'm thinking, hell no!  I'm in costume and I paid 7.00 for this damn skirt!  I'm not pulling over and risking any part of my outfit! It matches and I love it!  Needless to say, she put her hand over her mouth I knew this was not going to end well!  I pull over, nervous about what is now going to happen to my poor little car.  I cringe and hear, "blaaaaagh, blaaaagh!"  Oh, it reeeeked and there were chunks of what might have been the brisket she had earlier!  I don't know! All I knew is it stunk really bad and I was dry heaving behind the wheel of my now newly scented car.  She opens the door, finally, but the damage was done.  All over herself, in her lap, on the seat, on the seat belt, on the floor board and on the door wall!  ugh!  Now what?  I was trying to imagine how my cute car looked before the exorcist took over.  I was so sorry for saying that I didn't like my car earlier that day.  My sister proceeds to get out of my car (not sure why...she already blew the car!) She literally takes off her shirt outside  the car and is trying to clean my car with an already soaked shirt.  uh....not helping. I get out from behind the wheel (yes, I'm still sitting there- I was hoping I was only dreaming for a few minutes) and pop the trunk.  Luckily, I had a 70's back up costume, a case of rootbeer, a wok, 3 Star Wars VHS movies in the trunk that I still have not taken out from my move.  My Grandma Gomez always said I should carry things around for emergencies.  Maybe she was talking about water, meds or a banana but I think rootbeer could work. Anyway, I gave her the vest from the costume, of course, and asked her to pleeeeaase put it on!  I couldn't believe my sister was half naked, all her glory hanging out!  The vest had no buttons, by the way! I had never seen such big boobs!  lol  I was a little intimidated by these two.  Why didn't my boobs ever look this good at 25?  I had no boobs until after Austin (thank you baby).  A few minutes pass and this truck literally parks behind us and I thought, is this where people come to barf or are they just looking for someone to kill??? "Get in the car Krista!  Hurry!  OMG! We are going to diiiieee and my eyebrows are not shaped! My sister told me a few minutes later she was worried it might have been the cops.  "Oh, great!  That so did not cross my mind!!!  They would've taken us both in!  You, for being indecent in public and me for stolen Seredipity salt!"

I dropped my sister off at her house and I drove home, head ALL THE WAY out the window, trying not to inhale the smell of every alcoholic beverage available to her that night along with a side of brisket!  Sooo disgusting.  I go to church this morning in the same car, same smell.  I totally went to pick her up right after and she was such a sweet heart for cleaning my entire car!  Next time I need a good cleaning, I'l just take my sister to a party, hope she'll throw up, then she'll feel guilty and she'll detail my car!  It's a 'win win'!  She has a great time and I'll have a clean car by noon the next day!

I'm thankful I was wearing my Old Navy sandals rather than my Antonio Melani sandals! That would have  been no bueno for me!

Today, we baked all day with the kiddos.  Raeya made turkey looking Crispy treats
Austin was hard at work making a delicious French Vanilla cake that I should just rub on my backside because after I eat the whole cake, that's where it will be going!

And it was a great ending to a crazy weekend! Cake always makes a notsagood weekend great!!! Now it's back to work tomorrow and hopefully this week will fly by.  I wonder what will happen next weekend? TTFN! 

1 comment:

  1. I just stumbled onto your blog the Google search was Bush's serendipity salt. Oh my goodness you had me rolling.