Feeling Sad With No Need

I'm not sure if this should even be part of my 'journal', but it's a 'journal' and all entries may not be rainbows, laughter and happiness, right?  I'm a little embarrassed about this entry. Don't be disillusioned by my 'happy' life.  I mean, don't get me wrong,  I'm a very happy person who loves to laugh, who lives a great life and who is thankful for everything I have from the loaf of bread in my pantry to my boys to the old pair of running shoes I never use!  But I'm like everyone else who has 'down' days. Today is one of those days.  Those kind of days consist of tears, sadness, weakness, feeling vulnerable, confused, and full of emotion. So far, I've only experienced the confused part! lol I'm actually steps ahead from they days I used to have over a year ago! I'm steps ahead! I'd like to think that it's a normal part of life but why do I feel this way knowing I have so much to be thankful for?  Is this part of just being a human being?  Part of just being a woman or a mother? Do men experience these kinds of feelings? I don't know.  There are days I wish my life had taken a different route, but I fully understand that I'm responsible for choices I've made in my life.  Sometimes I wish I had someone to just 'rescue' me and be my prince charming.  But, we all know that's not reality.  There I go again, living in my 'perfect life with the perfect family, perfect husband, perfect everything'.  I wonder sometimes if I'll ever be married at all.  I'll be turning another year older next week and I've yet to live my dream of being a bride and wife.  The opportunities have been there, however, not with the 'ones'. I am thankful, though, that I've had the opportunity to be a mother to two of the best people I know.  Does this mean I had children out of wedlock???  Dear God!  Nooo!  Not me!  But damn!  I'm glad I did.  They have been the ONLY thing I've done right.  Plus, if I would have waited until marriage....really....my baby factory would be completely shriveled up and no bueno! lol I was definitely put on this earth to be a mother and not a country singer as I originally planned. :) Still, I hurt when I think of how the choices I've made may have impacted my two precious gifts, but then again, I have no regret raising them alone.  I know my boys will have a future made of concrete with that special someone they choose to have a life with.  They will know how to secure the most valuable investment by taking care of their wives and children.  I have no doubt.  But for now, my hopes are that my two little gifts remain grounded and continue to grow with Christ.  That they understand the sacrifice I've made for them, that they know they are my reason for living, that they see how much they have graced my life and that they know there is nothing I wouldn't do for them.  I hope they see, one day, that I'm ultimately thankful for the way they have stood by me and loved me with their unconditional love. As for me, I still keep moving forward, even though some days seem like there's just no way to get through the roughest of times.  I know who to turn to, for He has taken me from a life of depression and has brought me to better times. For that I am ever grateful.
A little over a year ago I was in a very dark place.  I was a praying woman, but I wasn't walking in that true path He had laid out for me.  I tried very hard to just 'get by' day to day.  Wasn't really living.  I was on a dead end path filled with depression, hurt, scars, hurtful memories and despair.  On the outside I looked like I was fine. The inside of me was not ok.  It felt like I was standing completely still in the eye of a hurricane.  No one knew.  No one asked. No one saw it.  I didn't see myself worthy of anything anymore.  I literally felt like I was coming to an end. I made decisions that no one understood, not even me.  I left my job and thought that maybe, just maybe if I moved away, it would solve everything.  Not true. It helped a little, but not nearly enough to get me afloat. What I needed was something more.  Something with meaning.  Something that would last me a lifetime even when I would have days like today.  And there have been a few.  I found my answer in March of 2011.  Jesus.  I gave my life to him and my road to a happier place began. Doors started opening up for me and I began to feel whole again.  I landed a job with wonderful people.  I don't make nearly half as much as I did at my last job, but happiness was what I needed.  I still struggle, but in different ways.  I'm happier than I've ever been so why do I feel this way sometimes? 

I apologize for my depressing entry, but I really needed to get it out. As soon as I complete this post, I will make it a point to smile and not look back on it.  Someone once also told me I would never amount to anything.  But I am everything.  To my boys I am everything and that's all I need.  No more tears! :)

~Sad no more! xoxo