I love this time of year! 'Tis the season to be jolly, happy, blistful, giving, caring...who am I kidding? 'Tis the season to be fat, pissed off, broke, stressed, and drunk! I used to love this time of year. Four reasons: 2 Thanksgiving dinners, and 2 Christmas dinners! Benefit of divorced parents! So each year would go something like this; half a day with my Dad's family, half with my Mom's family. Each family dysfunctional in their own way-- here's the run down: (Caution- go to the bathroom, get your popcorn and drink, preferably alcoholic and get ready! This is gonna be a long one!)
Dad's family:
Well, there's Grandma who loves to organize and be the life of the party, in which she deserves! She's all about getting together to celebrate. Hell, this woman could celebrate the new designer duct tape that's out now! Inside note: she loves duct tape, masking tape, any kind of tape! Grandma is the source of it all. She'll gladly set up tables for everyone, and I do mean everyone, to be able to sit together (except the ex's. They get their own table- no joke). The tables usually run from the dining room into the living room- also no joke. She'll put out our finest China (Chinet paper plates), red solo cups and her finest poinsettia table cloth even though it's Thanksgiving. Correction, this table cloth is on the table year 'round! She'll set the table with forks, napkins, tums, etc. etc. She'll do this at Christmas time as well. Totally cute! The two highlights of every year are the menu and the ex's table. The menu is posted (with duct tape) on the cabinet where the self serve line, aka, 'serve your own damn selves' line begins. The menu reads as follows: mash potatoes, cranberries, trucky (that's apparently another way to spell turkey), dressing and camotes (sweet potatoes). The ex's table is set up for any ex who doesn't have anywhere to go or spend Thanksgiving with! lol My grammie is so thoughtful. When most of us would rather throw a bone at the ex and get pure satisfation from watching them suck it dry, here is Grammie- with her version of what Thanksgiving is all about- ugh! Really? Well, if they're gonna eat our homemade food (including our Bill Miller's dressing) they should at least wash the dishes, pick up after everyone, throw out the trash, turn on the TV for football, prep the cushions that we will soon be drooling on, and fan us! I would be 'thankful' for that! And I'd probably even leave the ex-lax out of the side order of sweet potatoes! Our 'ex's' table seems to be growing alot faster than usual. Between Angela and I, I say we have a few losers to feed! There's a couple of knuckleheads that I'd love to just ring.....well,,, on to the rest of the family.
There's my Dad, best father anyone could ever have-seriously. Except for the time he once told me that the only reason he let me try out for my high school dance team was because he thought I wouldn't make it! Nice. My sweet revenge: tried out for captain the following year and made it! "Dad, that's gonna cost you two more thousand...thank you". Gotta love my daddy! My step mom, Vilma. What a support system she is! She's always there when I need some solid advice. My dumb ass doesn't always take it, but nonetheless, she's there! These two make the 'smartest people I know' list. They show up with my brother Gabriel, cowboy at heart and so damn good looking and sister Nadia, a beautiful young lady, sweet as can be (like her big sis wink, wink) just in time for food, then leave since they 'conveniently' live 3 hours away. hmm.... Sounds alot like my Uncle Joel's family. Another couple who make that stinkin' 'smartest people I know' list.
Uncle Joel is the uncle who calls all the children of the family dirty, rotten, kids. Bad childhood? That's my guess! But he totally redeems himself each year by cutting the 'trucky' and ham and even serving slices on each person's plates! Awww...sweet! He's married to my Aunt Patsy. She's the aunt who sews all the granddaughters their Christmas dresses - except me...she leaves me to wear those stupid polka dotted knickers with a built in bib that rests over the shoulder pads! Picture NOT INCLUDED!!! My cousin Tammy, is the foul mouthed one of the family who loves shiny objects (who, by the way, now makes beautiful jewelry- check it out on my FB page!). Tammy's son William, is the most loveable child of all time, but eventually will curse us all out one day. These four will drive into town sorta like my dad does, only they show up early enough to save face in hopes that I won't talk badly about them! lol Well, I'm just pissed that I never got a pretty, fluffy dress! Danielle is the oldest daughter of Joel and Patsy. Trendsetter... And cousin that always tries to out do me with birthday parties for her boys. She's married to Jorge. Jorge joined our family, not sure why, but he did. Amazing man...cohones..I mean, Kuddos! They have Alec and little Jorge. Alec is the male trendsetter, model of the family, if you will, and little Jorge, well, let's just say he's in love with Thomas the train. His ready to wear outfit is that of what Thomas wears! We're all praying he grows out of that stage quickly. hmm...I'd like to see Aunt Patsy whip up some overalls and a train driver hat!
Then there's Uncle Johnny, oh sweet, jokester of the family, Uncle Johnny. One who never seems to get enough from watching us 'stupid ones' fall for his tricks. The all time favorite? Well two all time favorites? The glass eye trick and the money trick. Long story short, Uncle Johnny lost his eye when he was a little boy. Oh, don't feel bad,,, he totally uses that to his evil advantage! Example: leaving his glass eye on top of the TV then telling me to go and change the channel (this is way before remotes)! OMG! It was never ending with him! "It's like he always had an eye on me"! Pa ra Pa! I was always the 'easy' target until Angela came along! The money trick was nothing short of amazing! He'd hold a twenty dollar bill in one hand, two one dollar bills in the other and would ask me, "which one do you want?" Wehellell, two is better than one! I'd of course take the two ones and be short eighteen dollars! That was a lot of money back then (last year) to a dumby like me. Moving right along, his wife Alicia, school teacher and one of the craftiest peeps I know! She makes some of the cutest stuff and as luck would have it, handed that gene over to her daughter Stephanie. Stephanie is a beautiful girl with a sense of humor like her daddy. She'll pack a one liner on you that'll keep you laughing for a while! She lives in Dallas with her wonderful husband, sweetheart of a man, Aaron. The two of them are awesome together! I'll never know what Aaron was thinking when he joined our family either! lol jj I know what it is, it's the dysfunction! He's right up there with us! Together Steph and Aaron have Aaron Joel, a quiet, passive sweet boy and Johnny (little Johnny) who is a total charmer! Funny kid! Total opposite from his brother! Bella is Stephanie's sister, who also lives in Dallas (smart girl), who is faithful to her healthy eating and gym! ugh! I swear! She's got control when it comes to eating. I'm beginning to think she came from a different family! lol Tall, thin, ugh, ugh, ugh! Sorry, a little jealousy coming out, (wipng sweat from my forehead) Phew! I don't know what got into me!
Now we get to Aunt Mary whom I call 'Bae'. You're probably wondering why... well, it's because of my early speech impediment that started shortly after I knew I couldn't say nada in Espanol. It was torture trying to say Maria Isabel in Espanol! I said to hell with it at the age of two and called her by my made up name 'My bae' which in time was also too long so it ended up being 'Bae'. So there! Now I know where the 'shtupid talk' originated. I couldn't speak right! Bae was either nice enough to make me feel like I wasn't alone through the years or she really enjoyed shtupid talking witsh me! Fast forward to 'Sunberle'. In one of my previous posts I mentioned how we were just gonna name my first born Sunberle and I also mentioned that I would eventually explain this. Well, here it is. We were (lol) at a gas station in Laredo, I think, and a Sunbird LE drives up next to us. Because of our 'shtupid talk' we somehow took the name off the car, twisted it around ever so stupidly and came up with sunberle (pronounced som ber ly). Dumb, I know. You woulda thought we were high the rest of the afternoon laughing at something so stupid! Hence, our new languash wash foreversh grounded. Angela, my twin-cousin and Aaron (Steph's husband) have joined our group making our team a total of 4! We're so proud. Not too long ago Stephanie called and said little Johnny was talking like us too! We are definately super proud! Now let's get to Angela, my twin-coushin (lol). She's alot like me except she cannot make bows to save her life! She's beautiful, smart, sweet, just like me. haha Not married, but actively looking. She stands 5 foot 6, weighs 115 lbs, has a gorgeous smile, luxurious locks of hair, can dress like there's no tomorrow and enjoys wearing heels! (thank me later, Angela! I just pimped you out. This is better than match.com). "I'll be damned if you're gonna end up like me, 29 and single with two kids, who by the way, were adopted!" haha. Her dad, my Uncle Rob, is this wonderful being whom I love. Even though he and my 'Bae' are divorced, they're really not! He's the only ex NOT allowed to sit at the ex's table along with the scrappers Angela and I managed to pick up at our family reunions!! jj lol Uncle Robert is the rock n roller of the family. He never met a guitar he didn't love. He even learned one of my favorite songs (Brown Eyed Girl), and performed it for me, with his then band, on my birthday! Such a wonderful birthday memory! "Thanks, ;)"
This pretty much sums up Dad's side of the family. We get together, eat, hang out, maybe play a little loteria, people hug, kiss, laugh and say their goodbyes until Christmas. Oh, we also draw names for Christmas which makes it tons easier on everybody's wallet! Did I mention we also make fun of each other? Makes for a fun afternoon!
Mom's family:
Well, we sorta already know Gracie's side of the family from previous posts so this part may be significantly shorter. First off there's Adrian, Gracie's husband. He is the cook of the familia and cooks great, I might add! I always told Gracie she couldn't divorce him or we'd starve. He makes the best bbq, pan de campo, menudo, steaks, etc. He does most of the cooking throughout the year so it's up to Mom to do the holiday cooking (i.e. Bill Miller's dressing once again!). Gracie can cook, she just doesn't cook all the time. She's more of the 'serve me and I'll buy you something nice on my next garage sale trip' kinda gal. Then there's Krista, my sista from anotha mista. This girl can cook also, but really doesn't. She's more of the 'cook for me and I'll let you keep my kid' kinda gal. Raeya's the niece I never had. Hell, these days she's the little girl I never had! She's about 50% Gracie's, 40% mine and 10% her mother's child! lol She's the blondie with the attitude. Such a ham!
The first Recio clan consists of Uncle Robert (mom's older brother), Aunt Hilda, Jacob (big Jake), David and Matthew. Uncle Robert is the counselor of the family! Also the disciplinarian of the family. He holds the biggest award for child beater of the year! lol just kidding. But I'm not kidding when I say he had a paddle with a hole in it that would hiss as it came towards our bottoms! I say 'our' because every time I'd go over and play with my cousins, one of them would screw up, get in trouble and we'd all get it! I always said my prayers beforehand and somehow Big Guns up stairs was listening because I never got spanked! Yay me! Anyway, Jacob was my favorite cousin. My only cousin for years! We'd watch Flash Gordon and walk all over the furniture at Grandma and Grandpa's house- without getting caught!!! We were slick, such a team! David, oh man, David! All I gotta say about this one is he was the mean one! He threw my barrettes in the toilet! I cried, he laughed! For all I knew some bag lady probably picked up my newly flushed Goody brand barrettes and was proudly sporting them! Matthew was my chocolate chip. He has a little birthmark on his cheek that resembled a little chip, hence, the nickname chocolate chip was born. He, being the clever cousin that he was, sooned named me vanilla chip--because I was soooo white! :( It stuck. To this day, we are known to each other as chocolate chip and vanilla chip. Cute now. Hated then! Aunt Hilda I'll get to when I talk about my dear Grandpa. Before I exit this paragraph, I must add the newest addition to our family. Sierra. Daughter of David. Can you say "paybacks"? Good luck Dave! Love ya!
The other Recio clan consists of my mom's younger brother Joe and father of four kids. Todd, Shae, Joey and Christopher. Each one of these has a ton of kids making my uncle the grandfather of like a bazillion grandkids! This is where the stressed and drunk part come in for the holidays! Todd is married to Robin and they have Neil, Ethan, and Tristan. Cutest 'little Todd look-a-likes ever'! Todd and Robin are in the beginning of their marriage but have been together for a hundred centuries! They are so cute as they express their love and gratitude for each other on FB! Totally sweet! Next is Shae. She's married to Cade and together they have Emma Shae, Tatum Katherine and Kedzie Elisabeth. Sweetest looking girly girls of all time! Talk about bows, ribbon and tutus! It's everywhere! Shae is another crafty cousin of mine, but on this side of the family. She's amazingly talented and it shows as those three little girls wear hair bows bigger than their heads! It's all about the ruffles, fun clothes, etc. etc.! Next is Joey. He is (we can say) married to Jamie! Little bitty Jamie who probably weighs 10 lbs soaking wet! She's pregnant now, so she's probably up to 20! She and Joey have Nolan James and Joseph Wayne (Joe, really? Wayne? Why?) lol He'll be known as 'J-dub'! Joey is, who I consider, my brother. I'm so very proud of him and his accomplishments! He says he's a felon, but a felon who can pay his bills! Awww...sweet! There's nothing better than a felon as a role model for his kids! So proud! lol Hopefully, He and Jamie will have a girl and name her Anna Marie. Lastly, there's Christopher. He's married to Norma and they are just soooo in love! They've been together 800 years and Norma still posts I love you on FB to her man! They are proud parents to CJ, Oliver, Jacob Ray, and Ryan Seth. All handsome little boys. I totally love the name Oliver!
So, this leaves me with my Grandpa! Grandpa is the best ever! He can cook, he's a smooth dresser, drives a big truck and has a little dog named Macaroni! lol! Of all things, Macaroni. Jacob's not too fond of this name! jj Anyway, Grandpa drives up to SA whenever possible. But He drives up around the holidays with one thing in mind: to battle Aunt Hilda and Jacob in a game of UNO! Never good when the three of them get together. Jacob's the liar, Aunt Hilda is the cheater and Grandpa is the innocent one of the game! It's like he never learns what these two are up to! Every once in a while you'll hear, "next", then you'll maybe hear a chant of "hey, good one!". But everytime before the game is over, you're sure to hear this from Grandpa, "YOU SHEATER!" Naturally, the game is over and Jacob along with his accomplice Aunt Hilda are rolling, laughing in tears! It's never a dull moment! From time to time you'll see the monopoly game come out and Austin waiting to play his favorite piece (the shoe), but no one wants to play with him because of his 'sore loserness' he aquired from his daddy! lol He can have like 12 properties, all mortgaged, 2 dollars and tears in his eyes and he swears he can still win!!!! It's all fun until Grandma Gracie hits the roof and is pissed off at the entire world because AJ is pissed off for losing! It's totally hilarious. Then there's Left, Center, Right! Great game, everyone can play and we love playing this because we can actually win 'real' dinero! It sucks when I lose my money to someone else but I gotta remember it's family and they'll probably buy me a nice gift for Christmas- Antonio Melani size 5 1/2 or 6 shoes please! I'll even take Gianni Bini! Or Cole Hahn. Austin is here reading this with me as I type and he just told me HE would buy me a pair of shoes. His words: "Mom, I'll buy you a pair of those shoes, what are they, like 30.00?" (bless his heart) I said, "more like 198.00." His look was priceless. I guess I'm not getting them afterall! lol This about sums up my mom's side of the family. The holidays are coming. I cannot stop them. I could die then I wouldn't have to stress out, or be fat from all the good food, or have to sneak all my stepdads alcohol like my sister and cousins do, but I don't think I'd be that lucky! I can't even win 3 bucks from Left, Center, Right! Anyway......
On a serious note, this is the heart of the holidays! I am rich beyond belief with such an amazing group of people- my family! I love each and every single person for who they are and because they all know the meaning of what a family truly is! Thank you, my entire family, for the laughs we've shared all these years!
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