Age 40 found me depressed and trying to 'band-aid' hurtful past situations that ranged from high school teacher abuse to a physical assault to my current heartbreak. All hurtful in their own way. Not too mention the hurtful situations in between. I clearly wore a painted smile and never dealt with the issues themselves at that time. So, ya, I looked confident, happy, and able to take on the world, but really I was weak, naive, and living in my fantasy world where everything was blissful and charming.
I had no limits within my own self. No real discipline. I didn't want to be viewed as a 'pushover' or 'doormat' so I called it 'easy going'. Sad but true. I always felt the need to 'go with the flow'. Always afraid to say 'no' for the fear of losing a friendship, boyfriend or a piece of cake! I always made sure everyone around me was happy and satisfied. HUGE problem. To me the word 'no' meant me being mean and God forbid I was mean to someone! What I never understood was that I would be ok if I said 'no'. The world was not gonna end if Anna said no. Go figure. I'm 41 now and just realizing some very important things about myself. With all that life has thrown me I could've jumped off a bridge by now or even pulled a trigger against my head...ok, not really....my life has not been that bad! But I could have let those circumstances make me an ugly, resentful person. Somehow, by the Grace of God, He has been by my side as I've coped with things the best way I know how. Obviously, team Anna didn't do to well. I needed more of Him and less of me.
My current struggle is heartbreak. Something we all experience at one time or another and probably more than once. I'm not ready to really discuss the 'relationship' just yet, but thanks to this, instead of viewing this as a failure, I'm looking at it as an opportunity to grow and learn. I will continue to pray and pray over him because of my love for him. I've done some soul searching, believe it or not, in the last few days, lots of reading and tons of praying. What I have gathered from my reading so far is this:
- I must forgive. Not just the person who has issued the hurt in my latest struggle, but all of the ones before who have hurt me. I need to be careful NOT to confuse this with reconciling. I need to know that I can forgive but I DON'T have to reconcile. Reconciliation should only happen when and if the other person has owned the hurtful behavior and has set forth trustworthy actions. Forgiveness does not come overnight. It is a gradual process but with the help of God it can be done and I will be freed from any kind of resentment, anger, bitterness, hurt/pain. I know that if I don't forgive others, just as Christ has forgiven me, I will only be harming myself and future relationships. I also need to forgive myself for having any thoughts of retaliation or hurtful words towards others. Trust me, I've dropped a few 'eff' bombs in my life from just anger alone. For this, I am sorry. Oh, and I will not dwell on other's opinions of me! I forgive you too. Matthew 6:14 reads: For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. Luke 23:34 reads: "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." Colossians 3:13 reads: Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
- I must repent. This, I believe, goes hand in hand with forgiveness in a sense. You should not only say you're sorry, you should actually be putting forth an effort to walk down a new path. I am clearly able to say I'm sorry, mean it AND walk down a new path. This is an easy one for me. Not like forgiveness... that's a little harder sometimes! Luke 13:3 reads: I tell you, no! But unless you repent, you too will all perish. Luke 17:3 reads: So watch yourselves. "If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him."
- I must let go. Let go of the present situation that is hindering me from moving forward, that is hurting me, that is causing me pain and anger. I need to let go of things, in general, that are not allowing me to be me. Nothing in life is permanent, things change, people change but for now I must change. "Let go and let God".
- Release stress. I find that walking on my treadmill helps, which in fact, might turn into a win, win for me!
- I must learn to love myself. "I am not stupid, I was created by God. I am worthy because God says I am. I am beautiful because He made me. I am caring and thoughtful of others because He is in me. He will grant me the desires of my heart because He promises that to me (and everyone) so long as you abide in Him. How could I not love God's creation? Why would I want to misuse his creation? I should be inspiring others and spreading His word each and every day! I am who I am because of Him. Things that I find helpful are meditating for about 20 a day, being gentle to my heart by placing my hand on it and telling it 'I love you' (sounds silly, but it works for me!), exposing myself to people that lift my spirits up (thank you family, friends old AND new), giving thanks for all that I have before bedtime, taking deep breaths and lately I've learned not to be ashamed of crying in front of my children. The other day I was feeling sad and had been crying. Jacob says to me, "are you sad because of..." I simply nodded my head and said, "it just feels like I'm never gonna have someone to share my life with". He looked at me and said, "you have me". That was THE BEST thing my son could've said to me. Even though it's a different kind of love, he lifted me up so high that I was able to make it through the night without another tear! All I can say is "Thank you, Jesus, for this wonderful creation you gave to ME".
OFTEN TIMES, WE TAKE OUR LIVES AND THE LITTLE MOMENTS FOR GRANTED. IT IS ONLY WHEN WE ARE SNATCHED OF THOSE THINGS THAT WE REALIZE THE VALUE OF EVERYTHING WHILE AT THE SAME TIME LEARNING TO LIVE WITHOUT THEM. ~anonymous
I know this was a pretty long entry, but God only knows I NEEDED IT! Once again, I am finding me. Slowly, but surely. I hope with all my heart that this entry has helped someone along the way. This isn't just for me,,, I know there are plenty others out there going through the same thing or something similar. I'm not alone, definitely NOT alone. God is with me every step of the way!!!
~my Father's daughter
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