Loooonnnng gone!

I do believe this blog entry will supercede the will I don't have. 
I was at my mom's house last night and she seems to think that she'll be dying soon because lately, in the last 10 years, she's been trying to get all life insurances, who to call when she dies, where to go for funds, how it will pay for a funeral, etc. etc. in order.  As gloomy and dark as these conversations are,  I started thinking about my own funeral and how I want it to be.  Before I go into details, let me just add that Gracie thinks it's a great idea to write down every, single, little detail in her Life Insurance 'tablet', including pin numbers! I think that's the best idea she's had since having me.  Only setback is she's planning on keeping it in a secure place, that only she knows where it is.  Question: So, when Gracie 'kicks the can' or whatever they say, only she's gonna know where this 'tablet' is? That doesn't help me out one bit! I wonder if it will be like a scavenger hunt.  If so, I kick ass at scavenger hunts! Anyway, we'll work on that later.  For now, here are my thoughts, and wishes, on how I want my funeral to be, aka, 'My Almost Perfect Funeral Blog Will & Such':
I'm going for a down home country feel, just so you know.
Note: Let's start out with making sure I'm completely dead before the embalming process happens.  They always say hearing is the last thing to go, I don't want to hear how they are going to take all my insides out and use them for science.  Or, throw them carelessly in the disposal.  Not sure how they handle that... If they are going to say how beautiful my naked body looks and how two shredded wheat squares a day really paid off, then hell ya! I'll hear that! But other than that, I'd rather not hear anything! Please make sure I'm completely, completely dead! Let's begin.

The casket.  Let's make it rustic and beautiful! When I say rustic, I don't mean some rusty 'ol box someone found at the junk yard that was used to transport dead bodies in the 1800's. Do they even have stuff at the junk yard from the 1800's? I might be safe. Please add sunroof and room spray.

Look I'm NOT going for.

Perfect! Except with a RUSTIC casket, not a pine box and indoors with A/C. Texas is too damn hot!

...or this!

I'd like a cowhide rug underneath the kneeling bench, preferably a leather saddle resting on saw horses (thank you CC), where my family and closest friends will kneel and look at me in awe.  No need to pray, I've been a good girl,,, well, almost,,, on second thought,,, go ahead and pray,,,a lot. 

The look.  I definitely don't want to be lying on my back (shut up y'all) with my arms crossed across my chest.  It's too much of a Morticia Adams look.  I prefer a more subtle look.  I'd like to be placed on my side, with my long body pillow for comfort, looking as though I'm dreaming of Jason Aldean or my last piece of cake.

I'd like to be wearing clothes at my funeral...F.Y.I.

This looks very comfortable...and sooo sweet! However, I don't think anyone would like to snuggle a dead body.

Totally NOT a position I'm going for! Please don't put me in my box in this uncomfortable position.  I will haunt you!

I need to also add that my make up cannot look like Tammy Faye Baker.  I only use(d) this look when going out.  If I'm meeting my maker it should be more of a "natural look".  Note to PROFESSIONAL make up artist: cool water on the skin constricts blood vessels (I know I'm dead at this point but just go with it!) It gives skin a smoother,  more toned look.  Please make sure my eyebrows are arched (not too high making me look like I'm surprised).  I like more natural colors in lipstick.  Add a dab of foundation to my lips because it works like a solvent and blends lipstick into skin.  Any kind of mascara will do.  No need to have waterproof,  I won't be crying.  Note to PROFESSIONAL hair stylist (Juan Garcia, who has been doing my hair since 1992, NO JOKE, should be hired for this occasion): I'd like side swept bangs and a glossy, healthy finish.  I trust your work, but please make sure my hair isn't 'Simba' frizzy...I don't want it too look like I was frazzled at the time of my death.

Clothes.  I should be wearing them. Period.  And not just too my waist.  Clothe me all the way! I'd like to be sporting these fabulous boots I saw on Pinterest or some Melani heels. 

Ummmm....hello!

Yes, please! (And Gracie!!!! Don't you dare take them off my feet before they bury me!)

Luckily, the dress I've chosen would go with either the boots or heels. (Hands off Angela! Do NOT take my dress!) And jewelry should be kept simple. P.S. I like turquoise and bronze colors.
 

Music.  Yes, there will be music! Country music, of course.  All kinds.  I would say it shouldn't be sad or depressing music, but that's what country music is...deal with it! For you rock n rollers, no ipods, headphones, cassette players, CD players or any other form of device where you can listen to anything other than country music allowed. I wouldn't mind having posters of George Strait, Jason Aldean, Tim McGraw or other yummies hanging along the walls.

YES, I KNOW,,, YOU'RE WELCOME!

Dad, make sure you get Martina McBride to perform.  Uncle Robert A, make sure you set up the lighting and stage. 

Food.  Lots of food please.  I want no one to be hungry at any given point during my FUNtasticERAL. Sweets is a must!

Flowers.  No flowers. In liu of, send donations to Jacob and Austin! Just kidding... donations should go to some sort of children hospital! Children with cancer or any other type of illness.  Seriously.

I'd like bails of hay with lace covers for family and friends to sit on (byoam- bring your own allergy meds).  No pews.  Too funeral-ly. It's gotta be a fun, comfortable atmosphere.  Party like, if you will.  I want no tears.  No crying!!! Just laughter and good memories.  A slide show isn't necessary, but highly recommended.  I must approve of the pictures beforehand (not sure how I'm gonna swing that one!). 

Hmmm... I just realized that I said Gracie better not take my shoes and my dad should hire Martina McBride and my uncle Rob should set up lighting and stage....they're all older than me...did I just jinx myself into dying before them??? Holy crap!! What is wrong with me? While I'm on that note...Grandma Gomez, can you please make sure you write out the menu for the food? And possibly set up the tables with fine Chinet plates and red solo cups? Thanks.

I think I've covered the important parts.  It should be fun!  I'm just sad I won't be at my own FUNtasticERAL! Or will I?

~Long gone but hopefully, not forgotten!