My recent encounter with Captain Trojan at HEB left me thinking about the differences between men and women. Now, unless a guy is sporting a woman's look, for the most part guys are easy to maintain. I'm sure there are a few out there who, as men, still care a deal about their appearance, which I totally appreciate, but overall, their daily rituals seem pretty easy. Women, on the other hand, like myself, have to get up extra early to look decent. My dad once told me that I needed makeup. I was two. Just kidding-about being two! Anyway, there are sooo many things we worry about and need to maintain! I've asked a few friends I know about some of the things they go through just to feel like a lady. Here's some of the things we discussed and laughed over:
Hair:
I've previously discussed the whole 'washing my hair' issue I have. First of all, there's so much of it and buying the more expensive shampoos makes it hard on my pocket book. For some strange reason, Anna's hair only likes Redken, Biologe, or Paul Mitchell. So, I buy Suave. Sometimes, I'll miss the good smelling, coconutty products, therefore, I will reason with myself as to why I deserve to buy shampoo, conditioner, leave-in treatment and hair spray that totals 4,000.00. Second, it takes about an hour and a half to wash, blow dry and style my mop. God forbid I have to do this in the morning. This usually means a 4am wake up call. No shit! I wish I was one of those pretty girls who have the wonderful hair that air drys perfectly and can go up in a pony and still look fabulous! I have big, Simba hair. Enough said on this.
Make up:
Wish I never began wearing it. Flat out! Expensive and somehow the only Wet N Wild brand I like is the eyeshadow pallet. Unfortunately, Anna's skin prefers Lancome, Estee, or Mac. I buy it.
Skin Treatments:
My Grandma swears by Ivory soap and nothing else for your face. Well, Granny, I did that and I totally peeled off a layer of soap scum. Oil of Olay. Just a little softer. Probably the reason why I have these fine, little wrinkles starting to accumulate around my eyes. I refer to them as smile bursts which means exactly that. I smile a lot. I thought Oil of Olay was supposed to help with that...Oh,,, that's botox! I prefer the little wrinkles vs. not being able to show emotion. I've recently been thinking of a face lift. Hmm... I have a few friends who have either done that or are contemplating it. With my luck, my nose would end up on the back of my head. Small fear.
Bras and Thongs:
Uncomfortable, but I've been wearing them since I was in the 5th grade. Bras, that is. I don't even know when thongs were invented. Sometimes they're a blessing, sometimes they just need to remain a 'Secret' as Victoria says. There's nothing worse than seeing a girl (or guy) bend over and it looks like those poor strings are holding on for dear life! I once had a friend who swore she'd never wear them because she truly believed thongs would cause her painful chaffing. My philosophy: Panties are gonna ride up, so why not just have them 'up' already? My mother gets so irritated with the whole 'thong' thing. She hates that you just can't fold strings! That's her OCD issue.
Deciding what to wear for the day:
I go to bed each and every night thinking about my next day's wardrobe. If I don't have anything ready, 3/4 of my closet will end up on the floor or hanging on the side of my laundry basket, which then, drives me insane and puts me in a shit ass mood for the entire day. Why don't I just hang up what I've tried on??? Well, because it already took me three hours to do my hair and makeup and now I'm running late! I refuse to wake up at 2am! I have a friend who picks out her entire wardrobe for the week. All she has to do is wake up, grab her outfit and viola! Good to go! Bitch.
Shoes:
Do I want to suffer and look amazing in heels or feel like a ten year old girl and wear flats? Flats are nice, don't get me wrong and I have friends that can pull the 'flat' look off really well. I live for heels. The corns on my feet are telling me to cool it with the heels though! lol just kidding!! But, honestly, I have noticed that I get tired of walking in heels all day and the first thing I wanna do is kick them off as soon as I get home. If I choose peep toe shoes, my nails have to be done. Another set back. If my toes are not done, it's a whole other issue as to what closed toe shoes I will be wearing for the day, which then adds to the stress of what outfit I will be wearing. Ugh! Why can't I just wear my fuzzy socks to work??? Or anywhere?
Exercise:
"Please world, stop putting those standards out there that girls have to be skinny to be beautiful!!!" For crying out loud, I'm just not there anymore! I used to have the cutest body EVER! Perfect measurements, perfect calves, thighs, toned arms and oh, a waist line that would show off a belt and an ass that wouldn't quit! I should've showed that shit off when I had the chance. I was always a modest girl, so my wardrobe consisted of modest threads. My diet was anything but healthy and my metabolism was amazing. I weighed 105 lbs soaking wet. I was leggy and shapely. Waaaah, now, after two kids I find that my lunches of sprees and funyuns and a Dr. Pepper are just not working. I find that I have to work out just to be able to button my jeans! I forbid to wear elastic! I'm 29, not 110. I hate that I have to work out just to be able to wear a swimsuit, which I don't! But if I wanted to, I'd probably be sporting the bloomers and full top to cover the left over roll that Austin so generously gave me. I no longer weigh 125, but recently I've been working on getting to a healthy weight. 125. I would loooove nothing more than for my ass to lift back up, boobs to stay in place (or be back to 7th grade size) so that I can wear a pair of jeans and a tank top this summer. I'm on a mission! Oh, and the arms. I'd like to wave with my hand, not my underarm!
Hair (not the hair on your head, either!):
As a little girl, I would stay with my great grandma, because both my mom and my grandma had to work in order to put rice and beans on the table and Carter's high top shoes on my feet. (Now I know where my expensive shoe taste comes from- Thanks, Mom!) Grandma worked for reasons I don't even know. She was a grandma and should've been home taking care of me. My great grandma slept alot. It's no wonder I would break into her bathroom and put all her cold cream on my face and blame it on the devil. I noticed one day, as my GG was napping, that she had these strange, random chin hairs staring right back at me. With a very confused look, I swore that would never happen to me. Guess what? I have one. Freaking little piece of crap! Don't go looking for it. I'm really on top of it constantly!!! I can't imagine my great grand kids coming over, watching me nap and seeing this long ass chin hair that is reaching knee length only because no one helped me pluck it after I went blind!
Grey hair. Inevitable. Color, color, color.
Armpit hair. My goodness. Everyday I make sure we're all good there! Another fear: that I'll be wearing a sleeveless shirt and there will be nothing but hair and deodorant chunks mixed together! I've totally seen that before. Scary.
Now, the last thing I want to point out about hair is please take care of the bikini area!!!! Holy crap! There's nothing, I mean NOTHING worse than going to a water park at the age of 8 or 9, turning around and seeing what looks like Chewbacca trying to play hide and seek! Now this was a major turning point in my life! This scared me more than armpit hair or even chin hairs! I would gladly sport armpit braids or a partial beard, but never an unlandscaped village! Hell no! I was forever traumatized....
Now, see why it's just difficult being a woman??? I mean, I've only touched the surface of crap that we deal with. I didn't even mention pedicures to make sure our toes are not barking back at us, manicures so our hands and nails look youthful instead of looking like we just serviced our own automobile, waxing- do you know how embarrassing it is to have someone down there taking care of that nest? Teeth whitening so our choppers don't look like meth mouth, our monthly friend, which by the way has a hilarious but gross story that I totally won't go into for fear you might throw up- ok, just a little sample; I was swimming with our 7th grade group one day and I was as happy as a clam just swimming along underwater. When I came up for air I was about one hand away from someone's used pad! Sick, I know. I told you. You should'nt have read that part! Anyway, annual exams as a preventative from cancer and every other cruel illnesses out there, vagina reconstructive surgery (not sure why, but my friend mentioned this!), shaved legs so we don't look like a human chia pet, being overweight, being underweight, the pressures of being successful and in my case, being a successful, single mom, birth control and wondering if it will cause weight gain, facial hair or fail altogether producing another reason to join AA, accessories, lingerie or footed PJ's and heaven only knows what else I've missed. It's tough. So, for those of you who age gracefully, look amazing at 40 in a swimsuit, have natural beauty, non-sagging skin, flawless skin, a waistline, the perfect hair, look great in any pair of jeans, and are a perfect picture of health, I say, I need your chef, your trainer, your nanny, your job and your money!
There are so many beautiful women I know that really do age gracefully, I'd like to put myself in that category one day soon too. And, I will. Kuddos to all of you and you know who you all are.
much love,
~future alcoholic! haha
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